


Feels Like Loneliness

by hannrose



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: F/M, Heartbreak, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 16:20:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17563886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannrose/pseuds/hannrose
Summary: "We can’t get the timing / Because I was running / But now I want you and you always knew"one shot inspired by 'Feels Like Loneliness' by Sabrina Carpenter(basically, peter wants mj, mj doesnt want peter, but she really does)





	Feels Like Loneliness

It felt like Peter was always going to be in love with Michelle.

 

He had fawned over her since elementary school, making her not-so-anonymous Valentine's Day cards and getting her a bracelet every year for her birthday. And when middle school came, and he dropped that tradition and started passing her notes in class. Michelle remembered a few; like,  _ you look pretty today-- Peter _ , and the follow up to that one,  _ not that you don’t look pretty every day, it’s just yellow is a good color on you _ \--  _ Peter _ .

 

They’d study together after school and Michelle would’ve been oblivious if she didn’t notice the way he stared, and gawked, and grinned at her every movement. Peter never made her feel uncomfortable, though. Because in his defense, Michelle felt the same way.

 

Not that she knew, or even wanted to admit it. But Peter was so kind to her when the other kids weren’t; they’d make fun of her hand-me-downs or her hair or her height, and through it all, Peter would be feeding her compliments and reassurances. “I like your height,” he’d say. “It’s the height I’ve always imagined royalty with.” 

 

And, damnit, his compliments were stupid and cheesy but Michelle loved them. She loved hearing them, she loved the look Peter had when he said them. Above that, she loved his stupid hair and his stupid smile and the stupid feelings he’d give her when they would talk late at night on the phone. All of them overwhelming, and all of them too real to comprehend.

 

So, Michelle followed her family’s way of dealing with things: she didn’t. She ignored it, and pushed it deep, deep down until she convinced herself that Peter was nothing more than an inconvenience. Every compliment he gave, Michelle would follow up with a sarcastic comment. However no matter how rude they may have seemed, Peter was nothing but nice and respectful.

 

And that’s how she had ended up in his bed one night.

 

Not like that-- they were both completely clothed, with zero intention of  _ not _ being completely clothed, but their hands were not being kept to themselves. After another night of studying, Peter had told her she was beautiful. Michelle groaned, “Peter, if you say that one more time, I’m going to think you just want in my pants.”

 

Peter was an awkward guy, always flinching at just the mention of sex. Michelle had thought he was going to explode internally.  That night, however, he had a new sense of confidence. “I do, though. Obviously, I’d never  _ just _ do that, but… yeah.”

 

And then he kissed her. Softly, like he was scared, and it made Michelle freeze. Then, she kissed back, and in a moment they were all over each other. As if something had clicked in them and this was the only thing that mattered.

 

Because it was the only thing that mattered. At least to Michelle. Peter Parker, literally the only guy who had ever cared for her, was making out with her. His hands held her body like she was something to be worshiped. His lips kissed her’s like they tasted like the sweetest thing on Earth. His breath told her she was important, and worthy, and all the other things Michelle would never believe about herself.

 

Peter was the only significant person Michelle had. She realized that as they were now laying down on his bed, with her hands lost in his hair and his holding her face. It took all the strength she had to think rationally. He was her best, and possibly her only, friend. Friends didn’t make out. Michelle didn’t make out with boys like Peter.

 

Michelle didn’t make out with  _ anyone _ , but she had spent months convincing herself that she didn’t like him, and that she would never like him. She couldn’t like him.

 

Peter stopped it first. “MJ,” he started, “Would you-- would you want to go on a date with me?”

 

“I--” she croaked, missing the feeling of his lips against her’s already. She could already feel it; the pit forming in her stomach as Peter’s hopeful eyes stared down at her, begging her to say yes. Michelle didn’t have any reason not to say yes, and yet… “Can I think about it?”

 

Peter’s face fell. “Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, t-take as long as you need, MJ. I’ll, uh, I’ll be right here.”

 

He sat up and unhooked himself from her legs that were draped around him. Peter wouldn’t face her. “Do you want me to walk you home?”

 

He was kicking her out. “No. I’m okay.” Michelle stood up, slowly walking away from him. “Bye, Peter.”

 

“Bye, MJ.”

 

The next day at school, he hardly talked to her. Maybe he was embarrassed, maybe he just hated her, but Michelle had to face the truth-- she couldn’t lose Peter. And if he was acting like this, because she asked for time to think, they’d never make it. Because Michelle thought about a lot of things, all the time.

 

When she told him no, we shouldn’t do this, Peter was visibly upset. However, he was nice about it, and made a joke on his own behalf, “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to date me either.” He said it with sad eyes, though, that made Michelle feel like utter shit.

 

That didn’t stop them from messing around on occasion. The night of junior prom, when they were both drunk, they made out again. Peter had even copped a feel. And, on the last day of junior year, the sixth time they were in that position, eventually Michelle fell asleep in his arms.

 

Through it all, Michelle was adamant that they couldn’t be a thing. She didn’t want to be hurt, she didn’t want to lose him, she didn’t know if she’d ever be good enough for him. None of those were things she told him, though. Peter thought Michelle just didn’t want a boyfriend.

 

In mid-summer before their senior year, Michelle felt empty. She hadn’t seen Peter for sixteen days. He was busy working with Tony Stark upstate, and he was supposed to be coming back to the city that week, and he was supposed to call her, but Michelle had zero notification. And it was stupid to be that hung up on Peter, however she was spending practically every waking moment thinking about him. 

 

It was a problem. And, it made her realize something.

 

When Peter finally texted her that he was home, Michelle made her way over. She was ready, she was going to finally tell Peter what he’s always wanted to hear since elementary school. Distance was all Michelle needed to realize that she was wasting her youth away.

 

“I want to be with you, too,” she had confessed when he opened the door. “I want to be with you, Peter.” She even pulled him in for a kiss.

 

Michelle was confused when Peter was frozen against him, and even more confused when he pushed her away.

 

“Peter?” 

 

“I-- I’ve been back for a few days. And, I didn’t call you because,” his head was tilted down, he was twiddling his thumbs, and he looked uncomfortable in general, “I went on a date with Liz that night I got back.”

 

“Y-you did?” She waited too long. “So, what, are you two like a thing?”

 

“Yeah, we are. Because she actually likes me.” His head snapped up. “MJ, you’ve had months to decide. And years before that. So, why now? Did you hear that Liz asked me out?”

 

Michelle took a step back. “I didn’t know she asked you out. Peter, I just-- I missed you so, so bad. I wasn’t ready before. I’m ready now.” She was pleading and begging in her mind for Peter to--

 

God, she didn’t know what she wanted Peter to do. All Michelle knew was that she  _ didn’t _ want what happened next.

 

“I’m with Liz, MJ. Can you go?”

 

Without another word, she followed his request. Michelle left, feeling her chest constrict and her heart pound harder than it ever had before. Tears came soon after. Peter looked at her so coldly, like everything he had ever felt was just gone.

 

It had always felt like Peter was going to love her for forever.

 

And, when senior year started, Michelle was shown every single day that that wasn’t true. Peter and Liz were  _ that _ couple; the ones that held hands in the hallway, and made out in the back of the gym during pep rallies. It felt they had stabbed her, and was now just enjoying twisting it around in her stomach.

 

They had all their firsts together. First date, first dinner with the parents, first time having sex. Michelle heard all of these through Ned, because when Peter talked to her, he kept the conversation light and strayed away from the topic of Liz Allen. 

 

Nothing with Peter was ever the same.

 

They went to college on separate sides of the country. 

 

They lost touch with each other within a month.

 

When Michelle went home for winter break, she didn’t see him. She felt like a piece of her was missing the entire time.

 

And, one day, five years after graduation, Michelle was going through her mail and had received an invitation for a wedding.  _ ‘Elizabeth Louise Allen and Peter Benjamin Parker invite you to their ceremony of love.’ _

 

And Michelle had never felt so alone in her entire life.

**Author's Note:**

> anyways, lets thank lane for giving me this idea. you can well at me on my twitter @parkerbjones :) thank u for reading and good night


End file.
